Half Full

So much has happened over the last couple of days I don't even know where to begin.  There have been appointments and results and rallying. Each of these carry some sense of relief and confusion.

Today Dani met with her surgeon. Great news is the MRI was clean which means the cancer has not metastasized. The bone scan was inconclusive. I'm a black or white person - no grey for this chicky - so "inconclusive" doesn't mean anything, let alone reassure me in any way. I'd like to be seeing things differently right now but it is effing hard. I focus every ounce of my positive energy on Dani when I'm around her, it's draining. So when I'm not, my mind goes elsewhere. 

Her surgery was also scheduled today. In just three weeks from now they will remove both of her breasts. She said the decision was easy. While the cancer is contained just to her right breast, there is a high probability that it will spread to the other. She doesn't want to put her family through cancer again so "take 'em both." That I get. But deep down I know this can't be "easy". I like my boobs - quite fond of them actually. So to think of waking up one day and them being gone baffles me.

I am trying to approach all of this with the same optimism and outlook that Dani is. But I'm just not there. And if I'm not there, I wonder if it's all a face. I keep going back to another thing Barbara wrote me when we were designing the necklace, "For me, I was busy trying to make everyone else be okay with what was going on - and that was exhausting." Is this what Dani is doing? Is she just trying to be strong or is her glass really half full?