Lois & Clark - minus the Clark

December 13, 2013 was one of the worst days of my life. Hubs & I had taken our beloved furbabe to the vet and completely unexpectedly did not return with her. My heart ached and did so for weeks. At the time I vowed not to get another pooch until at least after summer. I needed to heal. And I also needed to have a semi-clean house again.

Fast forward to the end of January. Hubs & I are eating breakfast at the island in our kitchen on a Sunday. With a smirk on his face he sheepishly tells me he was on the Humane Society website on Saturday. I laughed out loud throwing my head back so not to look at him. I responded excitedly, "me too"!

What did I take from this 33 second interaction? I was given the green light to find our new furbabe. OK, so he may not have said those exact words but it was implied. Sort of. Well, he was looking too ya know.

It didn't take long to find Lois. She was available through Hopeful Hearts - a non-profit dog rescue in Ottawa. Given what we had been through, we met Lois a few times to make sure she was a good fit. Needless to say Lois found her way into our hearts and came home on Friday.

On the drive home

 

The first two hours were spent roaming the house. She's a curious girl and sniffed every inch of it. After a late dinner we went outside for a play where she met the neighbour's Vizla, Rufus. Bam! Instant friends. 

 

Kisses for her new daddy

 

An hour past my usual 10:00 pm lights-out time, we went up to bed. Or at least that's what I thought we were doing. Lois had different plans. At midnight I took her for a quick walk. Then she chewed on some bones. Then delirium set in pour moi. Where the eff was the off button on this thing? Somewhere around 4:30 am I crawled upstairs where she enthusiastically bound behind me. Hubs took over. He walked her before getting two hours sleep made possible by sleeping at the front door with Lois by his side. By 7:30 am they were back out walking again.

 

Saturday consisted of a big paw-date with Rufus. My mom came down to meet her new grand-daughter. Keep in mind we're DINKYs so at this point she'll take whatever she can get for grand-kiddos. By late afternoon Lois started to crash. As much as I worried this power nap would be just enough to recharge the Energizer, I welcomed the break.

By ten we were wiped and ALL went to bed. Miraculously she slept. At 5:15 am Sunday morning I got the wake-up call. Sweet geezus! Clearly she doesn't know my sleeping patterns yet. It was a new day and Lois was ready to show us she was here to stay. She was eager to show me her new toys. She also knew that Canada was about to take on Sweden in the men's Olympic finals and was ready to watch the game with dad. That's when I snuck back to bed.

During regular business hours on Sunday we had another big play with Rufus and met the three dogs across the street. Ms. Jordyn, our 7 year old neighbour who was equally sad about the passing of Maddie, came to meet Lois. She brought the sweetest, homemade card for us.

Best.Friends.Eva! Homemade cards from the Wallaces and Jaybird

We've decided that Lois is an Australian Shepherd (originally Hopeful Hearts thought she was a Bernese Mountain Dog/Great Pyrenees). As we don't know her birthday, we'll celebrate it on February 21 - the day we brought her home. She's a sweet, sweet girl who just wants to be loved. We are her third family in as many months. But not to worry, we're the last one.

 

 She came with this collar. You can see the breast cancer ribbons. It was a sign.

This is where her head was most of the weekend:

"Guys, I love it here"

"C'mon guys. Let's go for a walk in the bush."

 

 Paw-date with her new BFF, Rufus

 

 "I'm so seepy"

 

Who rescued whom?

 

We know Maddie would be happy.

 

You can follow our adventures with Lois on Twitter. I'm @MrsARob and will be

using #RobLo for everything Lois.

Pantone 313C Monday

Yesterday was "Blue Monday" - deemed to be the most depressing day of the year. The energy of the holidays has passed, we're back to the daily grind, bills are coming in and it's cold (essentially those are the components of the scientific formula. No, seriously, there's a formula.) Like hurt-your-teeth-if-you-open-your-mouth-outside cold. Polar Vortex versus Sharknado.

The media is ladened with depressing images. But this girl? This girl was dancing. Literally. Smells Like Teen Spirit was blasting in my head and I was rockin' out to it. #90skids. Doldrums did not exist for me yesterday.

Pantone 313C: a happy shade of blue

Sorrowing Furmom

Today has not ended the way I had intended. Throughout the day I made mental notes of the points to include in a light-hearted, amusing post (even if I was the only one laughing). It has ended in woe. As I write this with waterfalls pouring down my face, I'm hoping it will be a quarter intelligent. An eighth is probably more realistic though. Let's go with an eighth.

As I left work the date hit me like a left hook from Sugar Ray: one month to the day of unexpectedly losing my #suckhole (read about my heartache here). And that was it. Tears pricked the back of my eyes.

Breath.

I make it through traffic. As I aimlessly wander Costco desperately trying to remember what I am there, memories flood my soul. Images of our last day together lying in the vet's office waiting for the inevitable, taunting me.

Focus.

After checking out (twice because I can't get my shit together), I head to Sobey's. Emotions could no longer be buried and I find myself, cart in front of me, in the middle of a meltdown. Luckily the store is quiet and I escape without being noticed.

Be gentle on yourself.

I hear the words of a good friend. I remind myself that it is OK to hurt. It is OK to cry. I sit in the parking lot and cry. And cry. And cry. I finally make it home and have not stopped crying. Tonight I miss her deeply. I didn't think it was possible for the hurt to still be as painful as it is.

I miss you princess. I hope there's nothing but ice cream and treats and snow on the other side of rainbow bridge and that they know you need your own bedroom. With the pillows fluffed. xo

 

 

2014 - Gentler Times

5:45 pm December 31. The last day of 2013. Many people are making their 2014 resolutions. Some have even started their celebrations. Me? Meh. It's just another day.

For me this time of year is generally difficult. And this year even more so. Hubs oversees the Bell Capital Cup. Translation? Holidays à la uno. Normally I make the most of it. Lots of fresh air. Hikes in the bush. Hot chocolate by the fire. All that good ole Canadiana stuff. This year though it's just not the same.

It's been two and a half weeks since we lost our #suckhole. I'm still grieving. There hasn't been a day when I haven't shed a tear. Lots of them. The quietness of the house is deafening yet I don't want any other noise drowning out the silence. You don't realize how much energy a 110 pound creature brings into your home until they're gone.

And what does this sad cowboy song have to do with New Year's you ask? When I posted on Facebook that Maddie was no longer with us, we received lots of messages. One in particular stuck with me: be gentle on yourself.

At first I didn't think much of it. It was in the days that followed when the sadness didn't go away that I started to understand the message. After a few days of moping and crying I was told, "maybe you need to get moving".  At first I agreed. Time to get over it. Move on. So I resumed what was "normal". Got up. Showered. Went to work. It wasn't long before I had to leave. 

Be gentle on yourself. The words rang clear in my head as I sobbed uncontrollably in my car. Now I know what she meant. It's OK to cry. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to crave the unconditional love that once filled your heart and is now void. It's OK to hate the world who is moving forward around you while you seem to be standing still.

Today's society is so fast paced and moves so quickly that I've come to realize people often don't slow down enough to digest - to truly understand the affect or impact an event has had on either them or those around them. We often don't take the time to grieve as there seems to be this unwritten rule that after a few days of a death/accident/diagnosis/etc. we should move on. We don't take the time to be gentle on ourselves.

So that is what I plan to do in 2014. Be gentle on myself. I read something today that is completely inline with this - the 21 Habits of Happy People. While it may not speak specifically of being gentle on yourself, the overall sentiments do.

Happy 2014. Be gentle on yourself.

A whole new set of firsts

When you bring a new life home - whether it's a baby, puppy, fish, whatever - you experience a number of "firsts". First feeding. First nap. First car ride. First holiday. First this. First that. Unfortunately I'm learning that you also go through a new whole set of firsts when that life is no longer with you.

Today I realized that void more than anything. Hubs and I built in Carp almost 3 years ago. We have a beautiful backdrop with miles and miles of forest behind us. One of the reasons we chose this location was so our princess could be free. On the weekends we would take her on long hikes back in the bush.

As hubs oversees the Bell Capital Cup - the largest hockey tournament in Ottawa right after Christmas - Maddie and I would spend much of our holidays exploring the bush together. It didn't matter how cold it was outside, she wanted to be out there. A few extra layers and I would gladly oblige.

You see, this week after Christmas was always my time with her. Just the two of us. I knew it and somehow she did too. While she would normally be batting Aaron's side of the bed to get up in the wee hours of the morning, she would sleep beside me until I dragged myself out. She would patiently wait until I got some caffeine in me and then we would be off.

Today I forced myself into the bush. I needed out of the house and desperately needed fresh air. I knew it would be hard. And it was. Every step I took I kept waiting for her to turn around to make sure I was coming. But she was never there.

I knew to put Kleenex in my pocket and I'm glad I did. Every so often I would realize there were tears streaming down my face. Crying subconsciously. I hiked to the place that was the farthest spot we had ever hiked. This little natural stream that trickles across the path. The last time we were there she immediately ran in to drink the cold, fresh water.

While I reflected in this spot, I watched her do all these things. She always knew she was doing something wrong. Maddie would look back at you with a smile almost to say, "catch me if you can".

After a few moments of reflection, and tears, I headed back home. That's when I really felt the absence. Whenever we were on a hike and turned to go back home, the #suckhole would run ahead. Every so often she would stop at the top of a hill and wait for you. Every time I rounded a corner or came to a hill I expected her to be there. But nothing.

I'm still very much adjusting to this new reality - life without the #suckhole. I miss her dearly. Tears are inevitable. At any time. I am finding some peace is going through all of our pictures though. While they are a reminder of some of the "firsts" we have gone through - both with her and now without, they're also a reminder of how wonderful she was and how HUGE of an impact she made on our lives.

xo

Couch hogger - 7 months old

Food begger - Alice's Cafe

Bed stealer

World traveller - she came everywhere with us

Cuddler

 

Attention seeker

 

Lover - with her boyfriend Rufus

Heartache

Today my heart aches...beyond words. I have feared this from the day we brought her home six and a half years ago. It is through a river of tears that I share the passing of our princess, Maddie.

I have never been superstitious. But Friday, December 13th was the worst.day.ever when Aaron and I unexpectedly lost our baby girl. Many of you know her as #suckhole as I managed to brand her through social media. She was a 110 pound suck who loved everyone just as much as they loved her. She was a happy girl who would roam the neighbourhood luring people in with her cuteness for treats.

Over the past few weeks we noticed things were off. When she stopped eating last week we made an appointment. While we waited for the "she's just got a this or that go home and give her some love" we were delivered a gut-wrenching bomb. Following a number of tests and x-rays, Maddie was diagnosed with a form of blood cancer that was attacking her organs. Literally. There was also a mass between her liver and GI Track. We're not sure if it was a cancerous tumour or her spleen on the verge of rupturing. Either way it was bleeding out.

We had asked to bring her home for the weekend but between her rapid decline and the internal bleeding, another route was recommended. We said our goodbyes to our beloved baby girl on the spot.

So, over the next few weeks I ask that you just bear with me. My heart has been shattered. Absolutely shattered. Today is the first day I got out of bed on my own.

We decided to have her cremated. This morning I made the arrangements. I was stoic for most of the conversation and then overcome with emotion. How is this could happen right before Christmas? Why did this have to happen to her? To us? She was our life. She HAD the perfect life. I just want her back.

8 weeks old - time to come home 

 

Photo Credit: Daisy Ducharme, Baby & Belly Photography

Photo Credit: Mike Dickson, Photos for Life

Photo Credit: Mike Dickson, Photos for Life

 "You can't make me!"

 

Hockey Fights Cancer

Tonight the Ottawa Senators host Hockey Fights Cancer as part of the NHL cancer awareness program. I'm sure it's no surprise who I'm fighting for ;)

I FIGHT FOR:

my bestie & everyone with boobs

Confirmed: Breast Cancer

No one is ever prepared to hear the big-C word - especially from someone they love. If you are, then you don't have a heart and are numb inside. 

In this case it was the last thing I expected to hear. Why? Because Dani had been to her family doctor and everything was "fine."

 

Pre-Diagnosis

Garrett Daniel Thuot was born on February 7, 2011 at 6:45 pm (side note - I get a text from Dani around noon that day wondering what I was doing...the only position she was comfortable in was sitting in the truck and she was just about at my  house. 'Cause doesn't every woman who is in labour go for a drive to hang out with their girlfriend?!  Contraction?!?  WTH do I do?!?). He was, and continues to be, a spitting image of his older brother Anderson. Dani breastfed him for six months or so. 

After she stopped, she noticed the disconfiguration in her right breast. She pursued this with her family doctors inquiring about her "lumpy boob". Her doctor told her she had nothing to worry about - it was just a blocked milk duct. She wasn't experiencing the normal symptoms of blocked milk ducts and the lump got worse. So she went back. Dani had even questioned whether a mammogram might be worthwhile to which she received a less than cold response. "I told you already, it's just a blocked milk duct."

A second opinion by a different doctor and the same thing. In January of 2012 she was having so much chest pain she thought she was having a heart attack so rushed to the Emergency Room. There they did an ECG, determined she wasn't having a heart attach, prescribed some anti-inflamatories and sent her home. Medical negligence at it's finest.
 

Diagnosis

Dani had been spending Wednesdays with her mom. On that third Wednesday in March her and her mom drove to an Appletree Medical Clinic where she met Dr. Scott, who in my opinion, saved her life. 

Earlier that week Dani's nipple concaved. She knew that something was now seriously wrong. When she opened her gown, the first words out of Dr. Scott's mouth were, "has anyone talked to you about breast cancer?"

She then did a physical exam, embraced Dani and said, "honey, I'm sorry to tell you but this is not good."

Just like that. The Big C was looming.

Dr. Scott immediately sent Danielle to the Queensway Carleton Hospital where they did an emergency mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy. She met with an oncologist who said they would have the results soon.

Two days later they called Dani to confirm that it was true. Breast cancer.